TechPastor.net

My boys are getting older and beginning to play together more and more often. You know that that means… they fight more often too. The latest was this morning. Shelli made us some great french toast and we enjoyed breakfast together at the table as a family. Shortly after, Shelli went up to shower and the boys were playing with cars and toys on their train table. They were being civil so I began reading today’s paper.

All of a sudden I hear my oldest son scream, “No AJ, NOOooooooo.” Anthony looked like King Kong on a path of destruction in the little town Michael had created on the train table. Michael gave him a big shove and my youngest boy brandished his teeth like a german shepherd on the attack going in for the bite in defense. Luckily, referee dad stepped in just in time and separated the the construction engineer from the wrecking ball before any injuries occurred. What I did next was set some ground rules for the boys. I gave them each a side on the table to play on and they each took a few toys to play with and asked them each to stay on their side. The rest of our morning was quite peaceful.

Sometimes I think as Christians we should be referees for one another as well. There are times I will have a small group leader at our church call me and say, “Frank, I need help. There are some people in my group that are at each other’s throats.” For some strange reason they don’t share my joy when I say, “THAT IS GREAT!” I recently shared why I love conflict and confrontation at a small group workshop I lead at Princeton Community Church. I am often asked how I help manage conflict in small groups and in our church. I normally start where many Christian leaders do following Matthew 18:

15″If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

• Go to them privately and confront them on the issue
• If a private discussion doesn’t work take a witness. That means someone that has seen the behavior you are speaking to them about.
• If that doesn’t work attempt to involve church leadership to aid in resolution of the problem.
• If that fails, end the relationship.

That is pretty much what Matthew lays out, and it is sound advice that works. However, I do have a few other guiding principles I follow that aid in confrontation and conflict resolution:

• Be wise with your words. Everything you say in a confrontation will either escalate or de-escalate a conflict. Try to use words and responses that we de-escalate the tension.
• Don’t discuss nameless people. Sometimes people will say, “Someone told me…” If they refuse to use actual names of real people, don’t acknowledge it as a leader in the church. It only leads to pointless discussion because you can’t get the real person behind whatever it is involved.
• If you’re wrong, admit it right away. This is powerful in conflict resolution. Think about it for a minute. How often do you hear people actually admit they are wrong? Not often, it is a real sign of maturity and it will have an immediate affect on the situation.

I find these guiding principles useful and I hope you do too. By the way… take a look at the picture below. Can you tell which side of the table belonged to Michael and which side was AJ’s?