Matthew 28:
18Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

In this final teaching moment Jesus aligns obedience and baptism with discipleship, I don’t think I’ll ever understand why some choose to ignore it.

July & August 2009 Baptisms from CHRIST'S CHURCH OF THE VALLEY on Vimeo.

We see this demonstrated for us all over the Bible. There is probably more documented confrontation with Paul than any other person in scripture. God regularly used Paul to instruct and correct the early church, but how does that translate to the present? How do I really know God is using someone to tell me something important?

I think the key to knowing (or maybe I should say attempting to discern) this is from God is that the information being communicated is usually something you DON”T want to hear… here is an example:

I love my brothers. They have always been there for me when I needed them most. After leaving the military I brought Shelli to New York with me to be closer to my family, but it was sooooo challenging. She was working full time at a law firm as a legal secretary and I actually had two jobs so we could make ends meet. I felt bad about it because she was often alone while I was at my second job. Thank God for my brother Pete. He was there for us any time Shelli needed a friend or I needed someone to lean on when the crap in life seemed overwhelming. God used Pete to express care and concern for us through a tough transition.

After a challenging 9 months in New York I had a difficult conversation with my brother Dave that completely took me off guard. We were at my parents house for a Sunday dinner and he asked,

“Frank, why are you still here?”

I replied, “What do you mean?”

“You should just go…”

“Uhhhh.. go where Dave?”

“To college Frank, just leave and go to college.”

“Yeah sure, hehe, its not that easy bro.”

“Frank, it is that easy. You said living here is killing you financially and you know you want to go to school for ministry so why not just go. If your money situation is going to be bad, why not go to PA anyway and at least be productive. It has to be better for you in PA.”

I don’t know if I ever thanked my brother for that confrontation. God used him to change the course of my life in that moment and we moved to PA on New Years Day. I know it sounds cliché but, January 1st, 1998 was the first day of the rest of my life. It is kind of weird reflecting back on that day because I never expected God to tell me something through my brother. It was almost as if it wasn’t my brother speaking to me, but I think that is the key to recognizing God’s voice. Plus, as I reflect further I don’t think I’ve ever noticed it in the moment… its often sometime later when I can see the impact that person has had on my life.

When these sorts of things happen (to me) it seems to come from a source that I don’t expect and they often will tell me something that I don’t want to hear.

Has God ever used someone to tell you something that you didn’t want to hear?

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; ⁷and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Peter is so clear in his explanation: if faith, goodness, knowledge, self control, and these other qualities he mentions, are growing in your life you will actually be productive as a follower of Jesus.  What that means is that we have to take time for self reflection.  We need to stop and take a moment out of our busy lives and do the hard work of self-evaluation.  Often I think we are afraid to evaluate ourselves.  At least I am.  I want to avoid asking myself the hard questions like, “Am I demonstrating brotherly kindness more frequently in my life?”  Or, “Am I able exersicse self-control more effectively?”

I think we can fall into the trap of becoming a lazy Christian and get stuck in routine.  We go to church, maybe attend a small group, or serve as an usher or in a kids classroom on Sunday and think, “God and I are on good terms!”  I think following Jesus is more than that, and we need to get our act together and be productive Christians.  We need to hold ourselves accountable and make sure these qualities are increasing in our lives and be certain we are not maintaining status quo.

Tim Stevens has a blog that I follow and he recently pointed out that the show Heroes about good, evil, and out creator. Here is how this particular episode began and concluded:

Opening narration:

“On the sixth day, God created man in his own image. Now it’s up to us to figure it all out. Right… wrong…good…evil. In each of us is the capacity to decide what drives our actions. So what is it that makes some choose selflessness–the need to devote one self to something greater–while others know only self-interest, isolating themselves in a world of their own making? Some seek love even if requieted, while others are driven by fear and betrayal. There are those who see their choices as dark proof of God’s absence, while others follow a path of noble destiny. But in the end, good, evil, right or wrong, what we choose is never what we really need. For that is the ultimate cosmic joke…the real gift that God has left behind.”

Closing Narration:

“There is good, and there is evil. Right and wrong. Heroes and villains. And if we are blessed with wisdom, then there are glimpses between the cracks of each where light streams through. We wait in silence for these times, when sense can be made, when meaningless existence comes into focus and our purpose presents itself. And if we have the strength to be honest, then what we find there staring back at us is our own reflection–bearing witness to the duality of life. And each one of us is capable of both the dark and the light, the good and evil. Of either. Of all. And destiny, marching ever in our direction, can be re-routed by the choices we make, by the love we hold on to, and the promises we keep.”

This is another one of those posts. You know the type. The kind where I start out trying to put my jumbled thoughts into some semblance of order and by the time I get to the very exhausting end it looks more like a dictionary threw up. I apologize up front for the chaos.

Secondly this post may require a hankie or two. I suppose it depends on the reader, but some of you are more sensitive than others. You know who you are. So read at your own risk.

And now I begin…

I grew up close enough to the beach in Southern California that our house didn’t require air conditioning. I remember only a very few times when it was hotter and more stagnant than usual, but for the most part a/c simply wasn’t necessary. And generally no matter how warm the day was, the night was always pleasantly cool.

Imagine my horror when I moved to Arkansas in June of one of the hottest, most humid summers on record to date. The stifling, oppressive humidity did little for my confidence in my new future. Evening didn’t bring any relief as it was usually as heavy as the day had been. I moved there for Todd and I loved him, but I sure didn’t like sweating profusely every time I opened the front door.

By October, however, the humidity and temperatures started dropping. The air became cool and crisp and the leaves started turning the most beautiful colors. I felt like I was being rewarded for enduring such a brutal summer. At nearly 23 years old I was finally experiencing my first true autumn. October became my favorite month.

In yesterday’s post I mentioned how seeing my latest reconstruction procedure just stirred up unpleasant emotions. October did the same thing this year. I don’t remember this last year, but maybe it was because those feelings were still so close to the surface.

My response to a breast cancer diagnosis at the age of 39 was pragmatic. I hated it, but I knew it would eventually be over. I felt confident that between surgery and chemotherapy I was going to beat the monster. I never panicked, never truly thought I was going to die. I had my bad days and my moments of utter despair, but on the whole I went through it as well as possible because I didn’t feel I had a choice. I also had a little supernatural help through the whole thing, if ya know what I mean.

My head tells me all that should be behind me. I AM A SURVIVOR! And for the most part it IS behind me; the crisis over. But I wasn’t able to escape it last month. Everywhere I looked; every magazine I flipped through; every channel I surfed over; every station I listened to; every news program I watched – they all talked about breast Cancer Awareness.

When you’re in the midst of treatment your every thought is consumed with cancer. There’s no escaping it. It’s there with every spell of nausea or the fatigue or the aches and pains or the loss of hair and eyebrows and lashes.

And then you finish your treatment; your hair starts to come back; you’re not as fatigued as you were; and all of a sudden you realize you went three hours without even thinking of cancer. Those three hours turn into five hours and so on until you might go the entire day with hardly a thought to the disease.

But in my case I went through reconstruction a year and a half after my mastectomy. It was a long and tedious surgery and a long and very unpleasant recovery. My entire day without a thought to BC was brought back to every minute because everything I was enduring was a result of the cancer.

Each procedure I’ve been through has been a little like pulling a scab off a healing wound. There’s a little less pain and oozing each time, but it still hurts. Eventually the reconstruction is completed, the trips to the oncologist are farther and father apart and life resumes a bit of normalcy.

You think to yourself, “I’ve finally moved on.” Then October comes along and everywhere you look is a plea to help find the cure. And you desperately want a cure to be found because you’re tired of hearing about yet another woman diagnosed with breast cancer or another recurrence. But even more than that, you have a daughter and even though you know it’s not your fault, she’s at higher risk now. Especially since your mother was diagnosed a year after you were. There’s truly a family history now.

Selfishly, however, I don’t want to be reminded of what I’ve lost every time I turn around. I don’t want to be overwhelmed with emotion when I see huge pink ribbon balloons in the grocery store because they’ve taken on a whole different meaning for me. I don’t want to face the reality that my daughter will always have the niggle of fear as she gets older unless a cure is found. I’m a contradiction of emotions. I’m proud to be part of a sisterhood of some of the most incredible women I’ve ever known – including my mom – but at the same time I don’t want to be in that sorority. I don’t want anyone to be in that sorority. So I want a cure to be found and the support for BC research is astounding. But I don’t want to hear about it at every turn. There’s just no pleasing me.

I also get angry when I see the “Breast Cancer Checklist”. You know, “You’re at a higher risk for the disease if you check off however many of the following.” BAH! Three years ago I couldn’t check off any of them. I had no family history at all, I very rarely drank, I wasn’t obese, I was under 40, etc. I wasn’t even old enough for routine mammograms. Thank God I found my lump when I did.

I worry women will dismiss the possibility of breast cancer if they can’t check off anything. . Did you know that while having a family history may increase your chances of breast cancer, the majority of breast cancers are found in women without a family history? Sounds crazy, but that’s the way of it. The bottom line, people, is it doesn’t matter whether you can check off anything from the risk list or not. You must be diligent in monthly self exams and yearly exams by your doctor.

I also had more than just a moment or two of profound sadness last month. Memories were stirred without invitation. Every person who has had or has breast cancer has a similar, yet different, story to tell. My battle was compounded when Todd had to relocate to Pennsylvania ten days after my mastectomy. The difficulty of treatment was greatly magnified by having to go through it without him for the majority of the
time.

One memory in particular brought up emotions I didn’t realize I still had. I received my treatments on Thursday and the following Thursday I always had a very low white count. Because of this I received Neupagen injections Thursday and Friday and sometimes even throughout the weekend, depending on how low the counts were. As thankful as I was to have this wonder drug available to me, I hated those shots. Neupagen is like fertilizer for your white blood cells, putting your marrow into hyperdrive which, in turn, causes pain in your bones and joints.

One of these Saturday nights when Todd wasn’t coming home sticks in my mind. I was so exhausted talking was a chore and my back, knees and shoulders ached so badly I felt like I had the flu. What I wanted to do was go to bed, but instead I stayed awake with the kids until they went to bed. I tossed and turned and couldn’t find a comfortable position, but I was so fatigued and desperately wanted to sleep.

After making sure the kids were asleep, I closed the door to my room, crawled into bed and sobbed. Todd would have taken care of the kids if he’d been home. He would have rubbed my back to ease the aching. I missed him so much and worried about how hard it was for him being so far away, all alone, wondering how I was.

Between my parents, neighbors and two church families I had all the help I could ever
want. But there were some things no one could do for me – only Todd. The treatment and its effects were not pleasant, but having my husband living 1,200 miles away was much worse. Sometimes when I look back and think of the many times such as this I can’t imagine how we did it.

I suppose the memories, however painful, serve a purpose even now. It’s good to remember where we were, how God carried us through those horrible times and how He’s brought us through that valley to where we are now. Still, I’d rather be in control of those memories and not have them thrust upon me when I’m not prepared.

My suspicion is I’ll eventually love October as much as I used to, but it’s just going to take time. Next year my reconstruction will be completely done, I’ll probably only see my oncologist every six months or so, my gynecological problems related to the breast cancer will be so far behind me…

So if any of you found it curious that I didn’t post something about breast cancer awareness last month, now you know why. I started to several times and the posts came out so angry and bitter and I was afraid I’d cause more fear than encouragement.

In the end I do offer this encouragement to anyone who may be where I was two years ago. It DOES get better. Much better. Time heals both physically and emotionally, but it doesn’t forget.

Any thoughts about the video you just saw?

Here were the verses that spoke to me this evening from Proverbs 10 and the translation we have been reading comes from The Message:

9 Honesty lives confident and carefree,
but Shifty is sure to be exposed.

God, help me to be honest with the people I communicate with.

10 An evasive eye is a sign of trouble ahead,
but an open, face-to-face meeting results in peace.

God, help me to confront others face to face during challenging times.

11 The mouth of a good person is a deep, life-giving well,
but the mouth of the wicked is a dark cave of abuse.

God, help me to be a good and encouraging person.

13 You’ll find wisdom on the lips of a person of insight,
but the shortsighted needs a slap in the face.

God, help me to be a person of insight.

14 The wise accumulate knowledge—a true treasure;
know-it-alls talk too much—a sheer waste.

God, help me to not have a know it all attitude.

19 The more talk, the less truth;
the wise measure their words.

God, help me to measure my words.

20 The speech of a good person is worth waiting for;
the blabber of the wicked is worthless.

God, help my speech to be the speech of a good person.

21 The talk of a good person is rich fare for many,
but chatterboxes die of an empty heart.

God, help me to not be a chatterbox.

32 The speech of a good person clears the air;
the words of the wicked pollute it.

God, help me to be a person that clears the air.

As you can see I wrote a one sentence prayer under each of the verses that meant something to me. Those verses became my prayer for tonight. I find using the proverbs to help me pray is a good exersize in my faith and it really does help me to learn about myself. I think we all need to shop at Proverbs – R – Us from time to time.

1. What did I learn in God’s word this week?
2. Is my burden for prayer growing or diminishing?
3. Does my heart break for the things that break the heart of God?
4. Have I grown accustomed to or accepted sin in my life?
5. Am I doing ministry out of an overflow of God’s work in my heart or out of my own strength?
6. Has my teaching and ministry deepened, changed, or evolved in a positive way in the last year?
7. Do I have a sincere peace that I’m living an authentic life of spiritual integrity?
8. Is my heart growing larger for people and God or is it shrinking?
9. Am I closer to God today than I was a year ago?
10. Do others comment that they can clearly see evidence of God’s work in my life?

For whatever reason, number 7 on authenticity and spiritual integrity is very important to me right now. Does one of these questions connect with you deeply? Are there any other questions you think would be important for this list?