However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

If you’ve been married a while you know exactly what the crazy cycle is.  It can begin when the husband feels disrespected and begins to withhold love and affection from his wife.  The the wife senses her husband withholding love so she begins to actually disrepect her husband verbally in the relationship and with her friends.  So then the husband will pick up on this, and he’ll begin to withdraw from the relationship.  He will come home later and find any excuse to stay away from the house.  Then the wife gets even more upstet, so she begins withholding sex, and the cycle gets so crazy that the relationship eventually spins out of control.

We can break that cycle.  Listen to Dr Emmerson Eggerichs share his thoughts on the crazy cycle, and if you want to jump straight to his explanation start watching at 3min 50seconds:

Camp Entrance

This place is beautiful!

Having a great time.

Fun with friends at The Dorcet House in Dorcet, Minnesota

Turtle Sundae

Time to make the donuts!

Awesome root beer at the Minnesoda Fountain!

Men... Need... Cake...

Pizza Burgers... MMMmmmmmm...

Boating with Brad and Julie

Michael driving

AJ driving

Awesome view...

More good times...

Guys solving all the world's problems

A BIG THANKS to all our new friends from Pine Haven for helping us have a great week!

Often they’ll be in a state of shock and I’ll explain myself.  It’s awesome because it is the perfect opportunity for a healthy confrontation.  I don’t love confrontation because it’s fun, I love the end result of confrontation when it is done in a Biblical and loving way.

Galatians 6:1-2 says, “¹Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. ²Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

Confrontation is not about getting your way, it is about taking advantage of an opportunity to teach someone how to manage conflict in a Christ-like way.  Biblical confrontation can be a part of discipleship.  Fortunately for us, Jesus lays out four steps in conflict resolution and some ground rules for a healthy confrontation.

Matthew 18:15-17

¹⁵“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.

Step 1: Confrontation in Private

In my personal experience over 90% of our conflict can end with step one. There are quite a few things I think we can learn just from this first step. Often I think we want people to come to us because we’re the ones that have been offended.  We’ll say, “they’ve hurt me so it’s their fault.” However, Jesus flips our expectations around and basically says that we’ve got it backwards.  He’s telling us that if we’ve been hurt it is our responsibility to go to the person that has hurt us and initiate the confrontation.

The other hard part about this first step is keeping it private.  I don’t know about you but when I’ve  been hurt by someone, I want to tell the world.  I’m tempted to gather an army against them.  I want to find allies and go on the attack!  This is NOT what Jesus expects from me.  He’s telling me that I need to keep my trap shut and keep it between the two of us.

¹⁶But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’

Step 2: Confrontation With A Witness

What is the definition of a witness?

Witness – One who can give a firsthand account of something seen, heard, or experience

This is not just someone that agrees with you! This is a person of integrity that has experienced or observed the behavior or has personally experienced the issue in question. Why do you think Jesus asks us to do that? I think it could be because, the person that has been hurt may be over reacting.  When I’ve been hurt I tend to get emotional and when I’m emotional I’m not always thinking clearly.  This is when having an unbiased third party can make a difference and help bring clarity to a situation.  Not only may the person that’s been hurt be over reacting, but it is also possible that the person who has caused the hurt may not understand the seriousness of their offense.  Again, sometimes hearing another party present the problem from a different perspective may help resolve a difficult situation.

¹⁷If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church;

Step 3: Confrontation with Leadership

The first two steps were fairly private.  Now things escalating to a new level and it is necessary to involve the leadership of the church.

Now this is a matter of my opinion.  Personally I don’t believe that when Jesus said, “tell it to the church” that he meant standing up on a Sunday morning and saying, “hey I’ve got a problem with that guy!” I believe he was indicating that you should go to a well respected leader in the church to aid you in conflict resolution.  Paul addresses this as a problem at the church in Corinth when in 1Corinthians 6 he is upset over lawsuits among believers.

and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

Step 4: End the Relationship

I think this is probably the hardest thing to do.  I would hate to have to bring a confrontation to this point but Jesus says,

-if that person won’t listen to you

-if they won’t listen to an objective small group of people

-if they won’t listen to church leadership

END THE RELATIONSHIP!

Don’t pretend that nothing happened. Don’t act like everything is ok, because it’s not ok.  This person has turned their back on you, objective witnesses, and even the leadership of the church.  Sometimes moving on has to do with self preservation and we need to take the initiative in protecting ourselves mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Plus, if you’ve handled the confrontation in a biblical manner you can rest your head on your pillow at night and know that you’ve done everything in your power to salvage the relationship.

While confrontation is never easy, confrontation is not a bad word…

I have great respect for my parents.  Every time I’ve observed them undertake a new challenge or a transition in life they have always put great thought into how they should proceed.  Now that my Dad has been retired for a bit he sent me ten tips for making every penny count in retirement.  It’s going to be quite a while before I retire but I thought I’d share his thoughts so that others could benefit from his wisdom.

1. Be debt free.

As a retiree you do have a limited and fixed income that comes in on a monthly basis. Having a mortgage, car payment and credit card debt will drag you down financially. I have read numerous books on money and retirement and one common denominator they all speak about is being debt free. A book that I recommend reading and has helped me the most is “The Total Money Makeover” by Dave Ramsey. Bottom Line: If you are not debt free don’t retire.

2. Federal & State taxes from your retirement check.

Make sure you are deducting the right amount of taxes. I followed the NYS Retirement calculator for federal tax deduction and fell short on the amount needed to deduct. So I did pay a tax penalty and increased my Federal deduction.

Bottom Line: Check with your accountant for how much you need to deduct from you monthly allotment.

3. Living in a State with no income taxes.

States with no Income Taxes: Alaska, Florida, Nevada, South Dakota, Texas, Washington, and Wyoming. Many people believe that no state income tax means lower overall taxes, but this is not necessarily true. “In several cases, research shows that the states without an income tax make up the difference with higher rates for property taxes, sales taxes and other tax categories.

Bottom Line: Do your homework; check on your property and local taxes before pulling the trigger and move.

4. Dealing with deferred compensation.

Deferred Comp (403B): If you take any money out of Deferred Comp they withhold 15% up front for Federal Taxes. Keep in mind that additional income will put you in a higher tax bracket. I purchased a new car and did some remodeling in our house; it was more like 20%.

Bottom Line: Put an additional 5%-10% away an anticipation being in a higher tax bracket.

5. When to collect Social security benefits.

I know that I have discussed this issue to death. As far as I am concerned, if your family genes have longevity, you are better off waiting. For example: If you wait until you are 66 will increase the size of your check by one third. A one third increase makes a significant difference in monthly budgeting.  However if you need the cash another option is to have your spouse take it at 62 you wait till you are at least 66.

Bottom Line: If you have a serious illness or family history of short life expectancies taking the benefits as soon as you can does make sense.

6. Hotel rooms.

Best time to book a room is 4pm on Sunday. Call the hotel’s local direct line not the 800 number. Don’t ask for reservations speak to the manger on duty directly. He has the authority to negotiate rates.

Bottom Line: Be courteous. I think of myself as a valuable commodity. After all you want to take an unsold room out of inventory.

7. Air Travel.

The perfect way to shop for cheap air fare is 3pm Eastern time on a Tuesday says Rick Seaney, CEO of www.FareCompare.com. Monday nights is when the major airlines announce sales. This triggers other airlines to match that sale on Tuesday. Keep in mind luggage fees can be $15-25 for your 1st bag.

Bottom Line: The earlier you can book your travel the better and flexibility with travel days always will work in your favor when exploring prices.

8. Spending more than you earn: This may seem like an obvious error to avoid, but with U.S. consumer debt reaching $2.45 trillion at the end of 2009, according to the Federal Reserve, it may not be obvious enough. Keeping an ongoing personal budget will help you to track what’s coming in and what’s going out.

Bottom Line: Make sure the amount coming in is higher than the amount going out.

9. Which is the cheaper climate.

Where is it cheaper to live, a warm or cold climate? Experts say, is that both heating and cooling your home take large amounts of energy, more than we use for any other appliance. But according to researchers at National Geographic’s The Green Guide, you will probably consume more energy heating your home than cooling it. Think about it. When it’s 0 degrees outside, you’ve got to raise the indoor thermometer to 70 degrees. In 110-degree weather, you need to change the temperature by only 40 degrees to achieve the same comfort level. Since air-conditioning is inherently more efficient than heating, it is a little cheaper to live in a warmer climate.

Bottom Line: It takes less energy to cool a given space by 1 degree than to heat it by the same amount.

10. Long Term Care Insurance

I struggled with this one. You think Long Term Care Insurance is prepaid hell? See what it does to a parent or loved one’s life savings and assets if they don’t have it. So do I need Long term care insurance? After doing a lot of home work approx. 70% of us will be in a Long Term Care Facility unless you plan on moving in with your children.

All depending what level of care that is needed it can cost between $50,000 – $75,000 and more a year. O.K. some of you are saying I will go to a State run Facility and pay nothing. One thing that I am sure about is that with some extra money, things can go a little smother for you. Medicare coverage of skilled nursing care is limited to 100-day benefit periods and requires at least three days of hospitalization before being admitted to a home.

Cost: At age 60 the approx. cost of LTC insurance is appox. $3,000.00 per couple at age 70 the cost is double.

Do the math, if you purchase a policy at $1500 per year at 60 yrs. old X 30 years = $45,000. The policy I have will provide 50,000 per year for 5 yrs. = $250,000 with a built in inflation.

Bottom Line: It made sense to me purchase a policy sooner rather than later.

If you have any other thoughts or tips feel free to leave them here, I’m sure my dad would like to know what you think!

We see this demonstrated for us all over the Bible. There is probably more documented confrontation with Paul than any other person in scripture. God regularly used Paul to instruct and correct the early church, but how does that translate to the present? How do I really know God is using someone to tell me something important?

I think the key to knowing (or maybe I should say attempting to discern) this is from God is that the information being communicated is usually something you DON”T want to hear… here is an example:

I love my brothers. They have always been there for me when I needed them most. After leaving the military I brought Shelli to New York with me to be closer to my family, but it was sooooo challenging. She was working full time at a law firm as a legal secretary and I actually had two jobs so we could make ends meet. I felt bad about it because she was often alone while I was at my second job. Thank God for my brother Pete. He was there for us any time Shelli needed a friend or I needed someone to lean on when the crap in life seemed overwhelming. God used Pete to express care and concern for us through a tough transition.

After a challenging 9 months in New York I had a difficult conversation with my brother Dave that completely took me off guard. We were at my parents house for a Sunday dinner and he asked,

“Frank, why are you still here?”

I replied, “What do you mean?”

“You should just go…”

“Uhhhh.. go where Dave?”

“To college Frank, just leave and go to college.”

“Yeah sure, hehe, its not that easy bro.”

“Frank, it is that easy. You said living here is killing you financially and you know you want to go to school for ministry so why not just go. If your money situation is going to be bad, why not go to PA anyway and at least be productive. It has to be better for you in PA.”

I don’t know if I ever thanked my brother for that confrontation. God used him to change the course of my life in that moment and we moved to PA on New Years Day. I know it sounds cliché but, January 1st, 1998 was the first day of the rest of my life. It is kind of weird reflecting back on that day because I never expected God to tell me something through my brother. It was almost as if it wasn’t my brother speaking to me, but I think that is the key to recognizing God’s voice. Plus, as I reflect further I don’t think I’ve ever noticed it in the moment… its often sometime later when I can see the impact that person has had on my life.

When these sorts of things happen (to me) it seems to come from a source that I don’t expect and they often will tell me something that I don’t want to hear.

Has God ever used someone to tell you something that you didn’t want to hear?

YOU CAN DO LESS AND BE HAPPY.

Here is the myth I bought into.  In order to be happy I had to stay busy.  Constantly on the go with things.  Busy with work, busy with projects, busy with life.  Constantly asking myself what’s next instead of taking quiet time and enjoying my kids and making sure that regularly get out with my wife.  I get so much gratification by working my way through lists and my love for my job that I forget to slow down.  This time off has been great and I have had the chance to enjoy my family, recharge and remember that balance in life is important.

Swimming with Michael at Mom and Dad's

Playing cars with AJ

It took us a full two days but we made it to Florida!  Unbelievable with two toddlers.  The boys were so good through the whole trip.  We kept their bellies full with McD’s and The Cracker Barrel and that seemed to keep them pretty happy.  The postcard at the top of the post is an old one from Weeki Wachie, Florida.  My parent’s new home, in the quite rural suburbs way outside of Tampa.  Just so you know how rural… the 2000 census recorded only 12 people living here and the big attraction is a state park with mermaids??? I’m sure there are a few more people here now but not many. 

While its quiet, I think this is exactly what we need.  My parents have a beautiful house with a nice pool that is sooooo peaceful.  I love their house and the fact that it is out of the hustle and bustle of town.  I’m sure the kids will love it here and I’m looking forward to some reading, swimming, and family time.  I’ll post some pictures with the kids soon.