Often they’ll be in a state of shock and I’ll explain myself.  It’s awesome because it is the perfect opportunity for a healthy confrontation.  I don’t love confrontation because it’s fun, I love the end result of confrontation when it is done in a Biblical and loving way.

Galatians 6:1-2 says, “¹Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. ²Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

Confrontation is not about getting your way, it is about taking advantage of an opportunity to teach someone how to manage conflict in a Christ-like way.  Biblical confrontation can be a part of discipleship.  Fortunately for us, Jesus lays out four steps in conflict resolution and some ground rules for a healthy confrontation.

Matthew 18:15-17

¹⁵“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.

Step 1: Confrontation in Private

In my personal experience over 90% of our conflict can end with step one. There are quite a few things I think we can learn just from this first step. Often I think we want people to come to us because we’re the ones that have been offended.  We’ll say, “they’ve hurt me so it’s their fault.” However, Jesus flips our expectations around and basically says that we’ve got it backwards.  He’s telling us that if we’ve been hurt it is our responsibility to go to the person that has hurt us and initiate the confrontation.

The other hard part about this first step is keeping it private.  I don’t know about you but when I’ve  been hurt by someone, I want to tell the world.  I’m tempted to gather an army against them.  I want to find allies and go on the attack!  This is NOT what Jesus expects from me.  He’s telling me that I need to keep my trap shut and keep it between the two of us.

¹⁶But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’

Step 2: Confrontation With A Witness

What is the definition of a witness?

Witness – One who can give a firsthand account of something seen, heard, or experience

This is not just someone that agrees with you! This is a person of integrity that has experienced or observed the behavior or has personally experienced the issue in question. Why do you think Jesus asks us to do that? I think it could be because, the person that has been hurt may be over reacting.  When I’ve been hurt I tend to get emotional and when I’m emotional I’m not always thinking clearly.  This is when having an unbiased third party can make a difference and help bring clarity to a situation.  Not only may the person that’s been hurt be over reacting, but it is also possible that the person who has caused the hurt may not understand the seriousness of their offense.  Again, sometimes hearing another party present the problem from a different perspective may help resolve a difficult situation.

¹⁷If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church;

Step 3: Confrontation with Leadership

The first two steps were fairly private.  Now things escalating to a new level and it is necessary to involve the leadership of the church.

Now this is a matter of my opinion.  Personally I don’t believe that when Jesus said, “tell it to the church” that he meant standing up on a Sunday morning and saying, “hey I’ve got a problem with that guy!” I believe he was indicating that you should go to a well respected leader in the church to aid you in conflict resolution.  Paul addresses this as a problem at the church in Corinth when in 1Corinthians 6 he is upset over lawsuits among believers.

and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

Step 4: End the Relationship

I think this is probably the hardest thing to do.  I would hate to have to bring a confrontation to this point but Jesus says,

-if that person won’t listen to you

-if they won’t listen to an objective small group of people

-if they won’t listen to church leadership

END THE RELATIONSHIP!

Don’t pretend that nothing happened. Don’t act like everything is ok, because it’s not ok.  This person has turned their back on you, objective witnesses, and even the leadership of the church.  Sometimes moving on has to do with self preservation and we need to take the initiative in protecting ourselves mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Plus, if you’ve handled the confrontation in a biblical manner you can rest your head on your pillow at night and know that you’ve done everything in your power to salvage the relationship.

While confrontation is never easy, confrontation is not a bad word…

Confession time. Sometimes when pastors preach, we feel like we are on an island and there is no one actually listening.  We get little or no response from the church, and we can almsot feel like what we’re doing is pointless.  It kind of feels like we are stranded on an island in the middle of a lake.  We can see people on the far shore all around us, but for some reason it doesn’t seem like they can hear what we’re saying.  I’ve seen pastors try to fix this problem a number of different ways:

• They scream louder – if I can preach screaming louder maybe they will hear me and actually listen! (This actually scares people away from the shore, especially the new people who need to hear the message the most.)
• They change the message – if I can tell them something they want to hear maybe they will listen? (When this happens it’s a catastrophy.  God already provided the message through the scriptures and He doesn’t want us to change it.  We can change our methods but NOT the message.)
• They try to be someone they’re not – if I preach like John Ortberg (or insert preacher’s name here) people will listen.  (God created me to be who I am and wired me with different passions and skills than John Ortberg.  Find a passage of scripture you’re passionate about, put in the hours of study needed and teach the congregation what God shows you through your hard work. It doesn’t mean you  can’t use John or other great preachers you admire for inspiration, but don’t try to be someone you’re not.)

I think we often find ourselves wanting to blame the listener when in reality we need to look in the mirror. There are a few key ingredients that I attempt to focus on when crafting a sermon:

1. Personal Connection: As a speaker I need to utilize my own experiences and be willing to be authentic with those that show up on Sunday.  God selected YOU to be a preacher for a reason, that means He believes you have something to offer that is unique.  Use your life and everyday experiences to help tell God’s story.

2. Biblical Truth: The Bible is the source of our teaching.  It needs to be our go-to book for truth, not the opinion page in the New York Times, or a talking head on Fox News or CNN.  Sometimes as preachers we can get so caught up in storytelling that we neglect staying focused on the scripture.

3. Relevance: I can’t tell you how many sermons that I’ve heard that sounded more like a list of scripture references from a topical Bible instead of a well-crafted teaching that provides the listener with something that they didn’t have prior to walking through the door.  As preachers we need to do our best to think of who might actually be sitting in the seat on Sunday morning.  Every time I sit down to write I think of two people.  First, I think of the believer, what can I present about this passage that will provide the seasoned Christian with something they didn’t know before?  Second, I think of the non-Christian, what can I say that will help them get one step closer to Jesus?

I don’t think preaching will ever become an easy task, and I’m not expecting it to be simple.  However, as I continue to pray and seek God in writing I hope to remain fresh, consistent, relevant, and most of all true to scripture.

1. Arriving late. This ends up wasting everyone’s time. Not only do you miss out, but it often forces the group to start the meeting over just to get you up-to-speed. It also screams, “I’m disorganized. I can’t manage my time.” Is that really the impression you want to create?

2. Taking phone calls. This is probably the most obnoxious behavior. You might as well say, “Excuse me, but I have someone else more important trying to reach me.” At the very least, have the courtesy to quietly excuse yourself and step out of the meeting. And, don’t answer the phone on your way out the door. Try to be as discrete as possible.

3. Checking e-mail. This is similar to taking a phone call. It communicates that you have something more important to do than pay attention to the meeting. Just say, “no.” Leave the laptop in your office unless you need it for a formal presentation. And, please, PLEASE resist the urge to pull your Blackberry or iPhone out every five minutes and check your messages. (Okay, now I am preaching to myself!)

4. Engaging in side conversations. A good meeting only has one conversation going on at a time. A side conversation is, at best, distracting. At worst, it is a challenge to the meeting leader for control of the conversation. Engage in a little self-control. If you need to follow-up with someone, write yourself a note, and do it after the meeting.

5. Not taking notes. If it is not worth taking notes, why are you there? This communicates, “Nothing going on in this meeting is worth remembering or following-up on.” If you haven’t done so, you might want to read a previous post I wrote called “Recovering the Lost Art of Note-Taking.” You’ll be surprised how much more interesting the meeting becomes when you are capturing your thoughts or what others are sharing.

6. Talking too much. There’s nothing worse than the person who feels the need to comment on everything. Or worse, once they get the floor, they won’t give it up. They just keep talking … and talking … and talking. C’mon, give the rest of us a chance!

7. Interrupting others. Okay, you have a great idea. You’re smart. We’ve got it. But can you wait until the person currently talking is done? The worst form of this is the person who randomly changes the subject. When you make a sharp left turn, you can give everyone else in the meeting whiplash.

8. Not coming prepared. Maybe you got away with this in school. But this is real life. People notice. When you are invited to attend a meeting, people expect you to make a contribution. If you don’t contribute, people assume you haven’t done your homework. Maybe that’s why you are getting invited to fewer meetings. Hmmm.

9. Chasing rabbits. This is one of those behaviors that makes meetings longer than they need to be. You don’t need to respond to every comment with a quip. You don’t have to tell some long, drawn-out story that everyone has already heard before. Stay focused. You can do it! The sooner we get through the agenda, the sooner we can get back to our offices and get some real work done.

10. Not speaking up. Every meeting seems to have them. Deadwood. How can you sit quietly for the whole meeting? Sometimes I want to pull out a mirror, hold it under your nose, and make sure you can fog it! Why do you keep coming to meetings? Worse, why do we keep inviting you? Speak up or bow out.

Ok, I’m personally guilty of at least two of these, how about you?

Once again Leadership Network is pulling together some new voices around the country to encourage Christian leaders everywhere through this FREE online conference. The Leadership Network puts it this way, “Ideas come from everywhere. On March 3rd, you will be confronted with some of the best thoughts and ideas about the church that you have never thought of, from people you may have never heard of… yet.”

Here are some reasons you should participate in Aha!

• IT’S FREE – no cost to you or your church
• IT’S EASY – just login from any computer and enjoy
• IT’S REFRESHING – I get tired of hearing the same stories from the same leaders
• IT’S EXCITING – new leaders have new ideas
• IT’S COOL – any time you can win an i-pad, well that’s just cool…
• IT”S FREE – oh wait, did I already say it’s free???

To register – click here

To see the list of speakers – click here

As a leader in the church, sometimes change is one of the most challenging things for people to cope with especially volunteers. During some of my challenging change moments I have had people ask me how I remain so positive despite the rapid change around me. Here is my short list of things I try to do to stay positive:

1. Become Part Of It

Often, the people that are negative about change, are struggling because they are resisting what is happening. These people refuse to let go of the past and some even actively pursue opposing objectives (out of spite) to resist a change that is going to take place . The people that cope best are those that trust the leaders around them and engage in whatever it is that is happening.

If your church, job, family, or volunteer organization is going through some rapid changes you should involve yourself in the process. Connect with the leaders in your organization and ask how you can help implement whatever changes that are going to take place. By doing this, many times you will be provided with information that puts your mind and heart at ease.  Hopefully this new information will help you understand why the change was necessary.  Once you understand, you can help others understand.

2. Focus On The Positive

Sometimes staying positive is hard. Even after you have made a decision to trust your leaders, it can still be challenging. I recommend sitting down with a pen and paper and writing down some good things you can come up with about the change you are experiencing. Then when you hear others say negative things you can respond with the positive things you wrote down instead of becoming part of a gripe fest. Challenge yourself to avoid negative talk and track on paper how well you do. You’ll probably be surprised at how negative you really are. In my experience I have found that some people have a habit of ignoring their negativity simply because they believe they are right.

3. Deal With The Negative

Becoming part of the change and focusing on the positive DOES NOT make the negative stuff in your head go away. Engaging change may help you become a more positive, but you can’t ignore your thoughts and feelings. To deal with your concerns about the change you are experiencing, communication is KEY. A lack of communication can actually cause more negative feelings between you and others around you. Go to the person that is most excited about the change taking place and ask them questions about your concerns. DON’T COMPLAIN, JUST ASK QUESTIONS. After receiving your answers, relax and take a day to process what you’ve heard.

What if this doesn’t work?

Change is easy for no one, not for those that initiate it nor others that have to implement it. We have to remember to be flexible and patient so that that we can think clearly and be objective when we see the results.

Some of the speakers include: Mark Batterson (National Community Church), Blair Burns (IJM), Holly Burkhalter (IJM), Dave Ferguson (New Thing Network), Marta Urquilla (Corporation for National & Community Service)

If you missed the live feed, Newsong Church has an On Demand Library for you to view some of the sessions.  I’ve embedded the player below but I do not know how long they will keep the sessions available, enjoy!

If you are in ministry, you can’t miss out on “The Nines.”

Here is the scoop:

THE NINES is a free one-day event that will take place totally on-line. It is designed for all church staff members who want to be motivated and stretched in their leadership. Leadership Network asked some of the church’s greatest communicators: “If you had nine minutes to talk one-on-one with thousands of church leaders, what is the one thing that you would tell them?”

Starting at 9am Central Time they will be having speakers all day long, each speaking for only 9 minutes.  So they have to get right to the good stuff because there is no time to waste!

You can watch “The Nines” right online for free but you have to register in order to participate. 

Here are a few of the speakers lined up:

• Mark Driscoll
• Ed Stetzer
• Perry Noble
• John Ortberg
• Nancy Beach
• Leonard Sweet
• Mark Batterson
• Dave Ferguson
• Mike Breaux
• Rick Rusaw
• And many, many others

Click here to register for “The Nines”

If you are in ministry and considering using social media as a tool, here are some things to keep in mind:

1. Size is not a barrier for churches to use social media.  A church of 100 can use it just as effectively as a church of 1000.
2. When you engage in a social media environment like a blog, facebook, myspace, or twitter you lose some control over the message.  People have the ability to have conversations with others about your content.  They can link to it, interact with it, and write about it more easily than ever before because the web is so easy to use.  Your church is no longer what you say it is, it is what they say it is!
3. Upside – people are sharing information about your church!
4. Downside – negative comments can travel farther and faster than ever so the first impressions we make as a church are so much more important.

We need to empower our staff and our churches to engage in social media responsibly.  The more engaging our team is, the more content there is about our church and our message to the world as Christians.  The more engaging content there is, the more conversation there is.  However, it is so important to remember that whatever digital environment we choose to use to interact with others, we still represent our church, and Christ.  So we need to use it responsibly. 

Here are some good rules to follow (some of these rules I modified from a webinar with Sergio Balegno):

1 – Be authentic but careful

• - Inform people why your are there, let them know what you do.
• - Be honest and authentic.
• - Don’t post things online that violate the trust others have in you. 

2 – Write about things you actually know about

• - Post things that you are an expert on.
• - Be responsible for your content, if you post something inaccurate take the initiative to correct it quickly.

3 – Add value to the conversation online

• - Be thought provoking.
• - Engage others online as a leader.
• - Engage others through commenting and openly invite others to comment and join the conversation. Sometimes people in ministry can be used to “one way” conversation (since we preach and teach) so we need to remember that a social media environment is a two way conversation.
• - When using social media remember to embrace it as a student, willing to learn. The whole point is to be viewed by others as an engaging contributor to the online community.

If you have some other things you think we should consider as our churches engage others in social media, comment below…

Our church seems motivated most to attend events and activities when things are announced from the platform. When there’s no major push from the pulpit, using other forms of communication, how does one get the congregation excited and eager to participate in other things that are happening in the church?

Here is Kem’s Answer:

If people are responsive only to the events and activities announced from the platform it’s typically because it’s too hard to find out about the other events and opportunities that aren’t announced from the platform. Normal people always take the path of least resistance and if they have to work too hard to find something, they’ll just take what’s on top (like the platform announcements). The problem with the platform announcements being the only place to find out about individual growth and serving opportunities is that it limits church growth and community impact. My guess is that you “get this” and it’s why you asked this question in the first place. You’re a smart man, Frank. Smart man. [That's right, Kem thinks I'm a smart man! ]

Here are a few tips to help raise awareness and energy for the things happening all around the life of the church without being solely dependent on the platform announcement.

• Use the platform to reinforce and promote core values and macro steps from the platform, not individual events or teams. Practically, it might look like this:

• Then, reinforce everywhere (from the platform, the bulletin, pre-service slides, etc.) the one place to go to find everything. For us, it’s our web site. It’s the one place where information is always up to date and everyone has access to it-staff, volunteer, attendee, secret shopper, the information counter-they all have access to the web site. For you, the one place might not be the web. Whatever you choose, stick with that one place and drive everyone back to it. When you talk about volunteering, joining a group, etc., that one place lists all the individual opportunities, dates, times, directions, registration, etc.

• Of course, there are always special events that warrant specific priority attention from the platform. Usually this makes sense for big deal events that affect the entire church like Baptism, Membership Classes, unique opportunities that directly apply to the topic you’re discussing in the sermon (i.e., Financial Freedom class when the message is about money.) But, even when you talk about specific events, remember to keep driving people back to that one place to find out the rest of the story.

 There are so many benefits to this approach.

• People in your church (on both sides of the message) are satisfied with a rewarding experience. They know where to easily find information when they want it.
• People in your church take ownership of the invite and spread the word about different opportunities on their own when you empower them with direct access to the information. You eliminate the middle man and give them the tools to share it on their own.
• You eliminate redundancy and extra work when you put everything in one place.

The most important benefit of all is this. You are able to diffuse the spirit of competition with ministry leaders jockeying for pole position on the platform. You’re reinforcing the message we are “one church” where ministry happens not a bunch of individual ministries housed in the church.

Also, for those of you that commented to win the book, Thanks for commenting!  Dano, congrats on the win.  I will be in contact with you via email to get you the book.

1. Become Part Of It

Often, the people that are negative about change, are struggling because they are resisting what is happening. These people refuse to let go of the past and some even actively pursue opposing objectives to resist the change that is going to take place. The people that cope best are those that trust the leaders around them and engage in whatever it is that is happening.

If your church, job, family, or volunteer organization is going through some rapid changes you should involve yourself in the process. Connect with the leaders in your organization and ask how you can help implement whatever changes that are going to take place. By doing this, many times you will be provided with information that puts your mind and heart at ease. This new information that you have been provided with will help you understand more clearly why the change was necessary.

2. Focus On The Positive

Sometimes staying positive is hard. Even after you have made a decision to trust your leaders, it can still be challenging. I recommend sitting down with a pen and paper and writing down some good things you can come up with about the change you are experiencing. Then when you hear others say negative things you respond with the positive things you wrote down. Challenge yourself to avoid negative talk and track on paper how well you do. You’ll probably be surprised at how negative you really are. Most people have a habit of ignoring their negativity simply because they believe they are right.

3. Deal With The Negative

Becoming part of the change and focusing on the positive DOES NOT make the negative stuff in your head go away. They do help you become a more positive person but you can’t ignore your thoughts forever. To deal with your concerns about the change you are experiencing, communication is KEY. A lack of communication can actually cause more negative feelings between you and others around you. Go to the person that is most excited about the change taking place and ask them questions about your concerns. DON’T COMPLAIN, JUST ASK QUESTIONS. After receiving your answers, relax and take a day to process the response.

What if this doesn’t work?

Change is easy for no one, not for those that initiate it nor others that have to implement it. We have to remember to be flexible and patient so that we can witness the results of the changes happening. The better you are at dealing with change in a positive way, the more potential you have for success!