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When God Speaks To You

// July 27th, 2009 // 9 Comments » // faith, relationships

Does God speak to you? I think he does, and I think he uses people around us more than we give the “Big Guy” credit for. We often look at the Bible as a method that our creator uses to communicate (it is certainly the best place for us to get a glimpse into the mind of the almighty), and sometimes we will acknowledge that God is using our life circumstances to tell us something that we need to know. However, I don’t often hear others tell me, “God used Joe to tell me something today.”

We see this demonstrated for us all over the Bible. There is probably more documented confrontation with Paul than any other person in scripture. God regularly used Paul to instruct and correct the early church, but how does that translate to the present? How do I really know God is using someone to tell me something important?

I think the key to knowing (or maybe I should say attempting to discern) this is from God is that the information being communicated is usually something you DON”T want to hear… here is an example:

I love my brothers. They have always been there for me when I needed them most. After leaving the military I brought Shelli to New York with me to be closer to my family, but it was sooooo challenging. She was working full time at a law firm as a legal secretary and I actually had two jobs so we could make ends meet. I felt bad about it because she was often alone while I was at my second job. Thank God for my brother Pete. He was there for us any time Shelli needed a friend or I needed someone to lean on when the crap in life seemed overwhelming. God used Pete to express care and concern for us through a tough transition.

After a challenging 9 months in New York I had a difficult conversation with my brother Dave that completely took me off guard. We were at my parents house for a Sunday dinner and he asked,

“Frank, why are you still here?”

I replied, “What do you mean?”

“You should just go…”

“Uhhhh.. go where Dave?”

“To college Frank, just leave and go to college.”

“Yeah sure, hehe, its not that easy bro.”

“Frank, it is that easy. You said living here is killing you financially and you know you want to go to school for ministry so why not just go. If your money situation is going to be bad, why not go to PA anyway and at least be productive. It has to be better for you in PA.”

I don’t know if I ever thanked my brother for that confrontation. God used him to change the course of my life in that moment and we moved to PA on New Years Day. I know it sounds cliché but, January 1st, 1998 was the first day of the rest of my life. It is kind of weird reflecting back on that day because I never expected God to tell me something through my brother. It was almost as if it wasn’t my brother speaking to me, but I think that is the key to recognizing God’s voice. Plus, as I reflect further I don’t think I’ve ever noticed it in the moment… its often sometime later when I can see the impact that person has had on my life.

When these sorts of things happen (to me) it seems to come from a source that I don’t expect and they often will tell me something that I don’t want to hear.

Has God ever used someone to tell you something that you didn’t want to hear?

Validation

// January 29th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // relationships, stories

I saw the video below on a friend’s blog and I had to pass it on. The short film shows how a little validation can go a long way in building relationships and impacting one’s circle of influence. However, there is also a subtle lesson in the video as well. When we become solely dependant on the validation of one single person, it can be unhealthy for you and for others around you. If you have 15 minutes to spare, the video is worth watching.

Referee Pastor – Resolving Conflict

// September 15th, 2008 // No Comments » // relationships

My boys are getting older and beginning to play together more and more often. You know that that means… they fight more often too. The latest was this morning. Shelli made us some great french toast and we enjoyed breakfast together at the table as a family. Shortly after, Shelli went up to shower and the boys were playing with cars and toys on their train table. They were being civil so I began reading today’s paper.

All of a sudden I hear my oldest son scream, “No AJ, NOOooooooo.” Anthony looked like King Kong on a path of destruction in the little town Michael had created on the train table. Michael gave him a big shove and my youngest boy brandished his teeth like a german shepherd on the attack going in for the bite in defense. Luckily, referee dad stepped in just in time and separated the the construction engineer from the wrecking ball before any injuries occurred. What I did next was set some ground rules for the boys. I gave them each a side on the table to play on and they each took a few toys to play with and asked them each to stay on their side. The rest of our morning was quite peaceful.

Sometimes I think as Christians we should be referees for one another as well. There are times I will have a small group leader at our church call me and say, “Frank, I need help. There are some people in my group that are at each other’s throats.” For some strange reason they don’t share my joy when I say, “THAT IS GREAT!” I recently shared why I love conflict and confrontation at a small group workshop I lead at Princeton Community Church. I am often asked how I help manage conflict in small groups and in our church. I normally start where many Christian leaders do following Matthew 18:

15″If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

• Go to them privately and confront them on the issue
• If a private discussion doesn’t work take a witness. That means someone that has seen the behavior you are speaking to them about.
• If that doesn’t work attempt to involve church leadership to aid in resolution of the problem.
• If that fails, end the relationship.

That is pretty much what Matthew lays out, and it is sound advice that works. However, I do have a few other guiding principles I follow that aid in confrontation and conflict resolution:

• Be wise with your words. Everything you say in a confrontation will either escalate or de-escalate a conflict. Try to use words and responses that we de-escalate the tension.
• Don’t discuss nameless people. Sometimes people will say, “Someone told me…” If they refuse to use actual names of real people, don’t acknowledge it as a leader in the church. It only leads to pointless discussion because you can’t get the real person behind whatever it is involved.
• If you’re wrong, admit it right away. This is powerful in conflict resolution. Think about it for a minute. How often do you hear people actually admit they are wrong? Not often, it is a real sign of maturity and it will have an immediate affect on the situation.

I find these guiding principles useful and I hope you do too. By the way… take a look at the picture below. Can you tell which side of the table belonged to Michael and which side was AJ’s?

Confrontation

// April 21st, 2008 // No Comments » // friendship, relationships, spiritual growth

I have been thinking a lot about confrontation lately. I spoke about it in a recent sermon, given counsel to a few leaders and volunteers, and wrote about it in a recent post (here). David Foster, author and pastor, recently posted 10 Signs It’s Time To Confront:

1. It’s time to confront when things aren’t working out even after you’ve given them sufficient time to do so.
2. When you’re avoiding each other.
3. When your silence is more about fear than the truth.
4. When allowing the contact to go on is hurting the other person.
5. When the contact is hurting other people.
6. When you see there is still time to redeem the relationship, the job, the person, or the potential future.
7. When you’re responsible for the health and well-being of the people involved in the situation. You have the power to do something, therefore you have the obligation.
8. When you’re able to separate the behavior from the person. You love the person always, even though you can’t support the behavior.
9. When your integrity and reputation as a friend, manager, leader, or business owner is on the line, it’s time to confront.
10. When you understand that sometimes love must be tough if it’s truly love. Love that is based on a lie is indulgence. Love that is based on truth and applied with mercy and grace is truly a gift from God.

Confrontation can be such a good thing when done the right way. It presents a real growth opportunity for us and the other person.

Team Family

// October 6th, 2007 // No Comments » // family, relationships

The past two weeks have been a little challenging in the Chiapperino household. I have had to travel quite a bit. As you saw from the posts below I spent much of the last week in September at the Small Groups Conference in Chicago, and most of the first week in October at the Orchard Group church planting retreat in upstate NY.