I’ve received many calls over the years from leaders in the church about conflict. Small group leaders, elders, key volunteers and staff will call and say, “Frank, my team/group is in complete turmoil.” I’ll often be silent for a minute or two and let them share and then I’ll be quiet for a moment and say… “THAT’S AWESOME!”
Often they’ll be in a state of shock and I’ll explain myself. It’s awesome because it is the perfect opportunity for a healthy confrontation. I don’t love confrontation because it’s fun, I love the end result of confrontation when it is done in a Biblical and loving way.
Galatians 6:1-2 says, “1Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. 2Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
Confrontation is not about getting your way, it is about taking advantage of an opportunity to teach someone how to manage conflict in a Christ-like way. Biblical confrontation can be a part of discipleship. Fortunately for us, Jesus lays out four steps in conflict resolution and some ground rules for a healthy confrontation.
Matthew 18:15-17
15“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.
Step 1: Confrontation in Private
In my personal experience over 90% of our conflict can end with step one. There are quite a few things I think we can learn just from this first step. Often I think we want people to come to us because we’re the ones that have been offended. We’ll say, “they’ve hurt me so it’s their fault.” However, Jesus flips our expectations around and basically says that we’ve got it backwards. He’s telling us that if we’ve been hurt it is our responsibility to go to the person that has hurt us and initiate the confrontation.
The other hard part about this first step is keeping it private. I don’t know about you but when I’ve been hurt by someone, I want to tell the world. I’m tempted to gather an army against them. I want to find allies and go on the attack! This is NOT what Jesus expects from me. He’s telling me that I need to keep my trap shut and keep it between the two of us.
16But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’
Step 2: Confrontation With A Witness
What is the definition of a witness?
Witness – One who can give a firsthand account of something seen, heard, or experience
This is not just someone that agrees with you! This is a person of integrity that has experienced or observed the behavior or has personally experienced the issue in question. Why do you think Jesus asks us to do that? I think it could be because, the person that has been hurt may be over reacting. When I’ve been hurt I tend to get emotional and when I’m emotional I’m not always thinking clearly. This is when having an unbiased third party can make a difference and help bring clarity to a situation. Not only may the person that’s been hurt be over reacting, but it is also possible that the person who has caused the hurt may not understand the seriousness of their offense. Again, sometimes hearing another party present the problem from a different perspective may help resolve a difficult situation.
17If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church;
Step 3: Confrontation with Leadership
The first two steps were fairly private. Now things escalating to a new level and it is necessary to involve the leadership of the church.
Now this is a matter of my opinion. Personally I don’t believe that when Jesus said, “tell it to the church” that he meant standing up on a Sunday morning and saying, “hey I’ve got a problem with that guy!” I believe he was indicating that you should go to a well respected leader in the church to aid you in conflict resolution. Paul addresses this as a problem at the church in Corinth when in 1Corinthians 6 he is upset over lawsuits among believers.
and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
Step 4: End the Relationship
I think this is probably the hardest thing to do. I would hate to have to bring a confrontation to this point but Jesus says,
-if that person won’t listen to you
-if they won’t listen to an objective small group of people
-if they won’t listen to church leadership
END THE RELATIONSHIP!
Don’t pretend that nothing happened. Don’t act like everything is ok, because it’s not ok. This person has turned their back on you, objective witnesses, and even the leadership of the church. Sometimes moving on has to do with self preservation and we need to take the initiative in protecting ourselves mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
Plus, if you’ve handled the confrontation in a biblical manner you can rest your head on your pillow at night and know that you’ve done everything in your power to salvage the relationship.
While confrontation is never easy, confrontation is not a bad word…
