Openness vs Intimacy in Small Groups
// January 15th, 2010 // No Comments » // small groups
In every small group there should always be a tension felt on the topic of openness and intimacy. Openness would mean that the group is inviting others to be a part of it. Intimacy defined as deep, lasting relationships where spiritual transformation takes place.
Bill Donahue in his book, Walking the Small Group Tightrope: Meeting the Challenges Every Group Faces
“Suggesting open groups is where tension begins, because the need for openness assumes the existence of one end of the continuum – a willingness to welcome new members into the group. If groups don’t maintain some sense of availability to those who are unconnected, a church must keep creating new groups to give new folks a place in community. But few churches have enough incoming leaders or the ability to rapidly develop enough new leaders to keep creating groups.This balancing act of openness and intimacy is something I can identify with well. I think it is a tension felt not just in small group ministry, but life in general. I am excited about what God is doing in the groups at our church. Often when I meet people, especially at baptism services, (by then you know they are pretty much committed to the church) I will ask them two questions:
At the other end of the continuum is intimacy. Deep, lasting, meaningful relationships require time and intent. Spiritual transformation and relational intimacy both require time. Groups require safety to pursue conflict resolution and create true community. It is the accumulation of experiences together – praying, talking, and serving together – that provides the foundation for healthy small group ministry.
When openness and intimacy collide, intimacy usually wins. People will search far and wide for vibrant relational connections and, when they find them, will guard them like a federal prison. Who can blame them? In a transient society filled with vocational nomads, people long for deep connections. They’ll put up walls around their community rather than keep that community open and risk losing what they have worked so hard for.”
I make an intentional effort to meet new people at our church each and every week. After I introduce myself I’ll ask three questions…
How did you end up at our church?
What do you like best about the church?
Now that you are here, what keeps you here?
The greatest part about asking those questions is the answer to the thrid one. More than half the time (if they’ve been attending for a while) they say it is their small group. I think the key to getting more answers like that one is encouraging other leaders to vigorously focus on both (openness and intimacy)! There needs to be seasons of openness and seasons of intimacy, but neglecting one causes stagnation.
When I encounter resistance in my group I ask this question, “Don’t you want others to feel what you feel? Don’t you want them to have what you have here?”
I also look to Hebrews 10:23-25 for encouragement.
23Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. 25Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
From this group of verses I believe we can find four questions that guide us in moving members of our groups to both intimacy and openness at the same time.
1. (From verse 23) How can I show my group that I hold unswervingly to the hope I profess?
2. (From verse 24) How can I spur my group members on toward love and good deeds?
3. (From verse 25) How can I encourage my group members to attend regularly? (Isn’t it nice to know the early church had attendance issues too?)
4. (From verse 25) How can I encourage my group members to understand the urgency? Because, someday (and we don’t know when) God will bring this all to an end.
The first three questions help us as leaders to guide our group inward. They bring our relationships with each other toward intimacy. The last question helps us guide the group toward reaching out. Knowing that the souls of others hang in the balance we can encourage our group members to invite others on this journey into biblical community.
The hard part about this issue of openness vs. intimacy is that there is no “turn-key” answer. Small group ministry does not work like Mc Donald’s. You can’t apply the exact same rules across the country or from church to church. Or even group to group! Plus, this topic will never go away, it will always be there and hopefully we can learn to wrestle with it well and navigate this tension in a healthy way that encourages openness and intimacy at the same time.
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